Nullspace

Go away!

2004-03-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

This is now an archive.

Check out Nullscape.net for your future whiney biznatch needs.

Lata

Yes, your teeth are shiney

2004-03-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

A beleifomonitor quiz thingie, I turned out mostly buddist. Yay. Kinda weird how they figgure it. Never looked at Neo-Pagan tho, mmm, and Liberal Quaker does sound like a party in a basket. Who knows? Maybe I was a Janist the whole time. (does that mean I have to change my name to Janis? I DONT KNOW! AAAAH!)

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (87%)
3. Theravada Buddhism (86%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (84%)
5. Hinduism (82%)
6. New Age (77%)
7. Liberal Quakers (72%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (68%)
9. Taoism (66%)
10. New Thought (66%)
11. Jainism (64%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (63%)
13. Sikhism (58%)
14. Scientology (57%)
15. Bahá'í Faith (50%)
16. Secular Humanism (48%)
17. Reform Judaism (46%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (41%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (37%)
20. Jehovah's Witness (28%)
21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (27%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (23%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (21%)
24. Nontheist (20%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (14%)
26. Islam (14%)
27. Roman Catholic (14%)

I'm outie.

2004-03-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

Yo, going to start moving my stuff over to a new site,
Nullscape.Net.

For awhile it'll be basicly the blog but over there, until I get a handle on what I want to do with my life. Yadda.

Take it easy blogger.

A brief explination of Ninja Gaiden

2004-03-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I mean, crap. Got alot accomplished this weekend I suppose. Celebrated Justin's 21st Birthday, got him nice and drunk and in return he got us kicked out of the bar for releiving his internal pressure problems. The next day involved some bleary IHOP, shooting at the Largest Shooting Center in the Free World or some shit, then I tried my hand at a little Ninja Gaiden, wherein I died. Bad. Repeatedly.

Good news is that I rawk at bar game trivia mode. Woot.

I'm goin back next saturday, fuckers, even if I'm just the lonely guy in the corner drinking beer and playing that game all alone! FUCK YOU!

Nuffin much

2004-03-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Adding some new links, like the connection to a weblog called Wheedonesque, a place where various news about Joss Whedon ( the guy behind angel, firefly, ect.. ) is posted, and the comic Achewood which is chilling a few posts down in my tribute to a co-worker.

New links will have a large 0 instead of the small o's, prolly leave them for a few weeks like that, just to keep myself straight as lord knows my links are bound to expand exponentialy at this rate.

Nothing else new on the news front, except for wishing I had a DVD-Rom drive or a bigger hard drive for fansubs, sigh.

Lata

A quick pop in and howdya do

2004-03-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Found a pretty good (if older) interview with Jhonnen Vasquez on Animation World Magazine this morning. Check it out. I go drop kids off in pool!

Just for you Justin

2004-02-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Weird discoveries

2004-02-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

My schedule is comprised of sleeping, waking up and wandering around the house, then going to work. During the wandering phase I sometimes watch TV or play on the computer. This morning was indecisive as hell because I didnt know what I wanted to do and I liked curling up in my robe on the couch and staring blankly at the television.

Bandits came on today, nice little Bruce Willis movie about some bank theives who mess up alot. Movie was good brainkiller for the two+ hours it was on, but the real joy came from when Bruce and Billy Bob Thorton broke out of prison then broke into this house to get clothes and junk. They walk in on two teens making out and getting to humpy humpy action and who should be in the background but Mindless Self Indulgence, ooooh yeaaaah.

I wish I had their first CD again so I could bump all the songs, I liked most of the music of Tight more than Frankentein Girls are Strangely Sexy but what can you do? In other music news Mc Chris is getting to release a new album as well as the Synth-Pop group called Freezepop. Now, if only I had enough cash to start picking up some new albums.

I'm pondering changing the look of the site, I kind of like the weird design I've got going for the background n junk, and my links are going crazy over there, maybe some way to randomize them to keep me on my toes and remind me I need to check up on things.

Or maybe just something reminding me to post more often.

Eh, whateva, I do what I want.

Strange dreams

2004-02-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Whilst I'm on the topic of food... I'll talk about dreams

It started where I was walking into a vilage, I appear to have come from england as I recognize another man speaking to me and his accent being from near where I grew up. Somehow I think this is some kind of post-apocalyptic scenario where there's a lot of Mad Max combining of bones and TVs and all that crap.

So I stay in the village for awhile, apparently making a living as a hunter as I have a gun and some bullets.

Then eventually a pair of sherifs show up in an old car, I want to say LTD but it seems older than that, maybe a weird cadilac or someting. I see them but they dont see me and I start running through the plains. Eventually they catch up with me on the edge of what appears to be a lake, but with a huge canvas sheet stretched over it.

I'm shot, I fall down to the ground onto another sheet and I start rolling, as I hit the edge of the cliff overlooking the lake (maybe this was a strip mine at one point) I grab for the sheet I fell on, trying to find a handhold, but instead I fall into the water part of the lake.

I sink for awhile, and as I open my eyes and start to look around I discover all around me to be floating corpses. Apparently somehow chained at the feet to blocks dropped into the lake. Some kind of underwater burial ground. So, understandably, I freak out and swim to the surface, keeping the sheet I brought down with me and using it to create an air bubble and breathe.

I can feel the sherrifs looking for me, trying to find me, and I think I'm in the water for a few days while they circle the lake. But nothing happens and I awoke before I started to try and get out.

Hows that for a post?

Its been awhile, so here a post!

2004-02-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

I had chicken tacos. They were nice, but my mouth was burned by cup o noodles. Then I came back and had a rangoon, then my mouth was happy.

The end.

Ahhh, the weekend.... WHAT? IT'S SUNDAY!?! FUCK!

2004-01-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Eh, sounds about right. Had a nice relaxing weekend, the first in a few months really. No agenda, no schedule, no kids to placate while trying to get something done.

Yet also a quiet and stillness that permeates everything.

I remember an empty house in Keesler. I remember a closed door to the room my children were supposed to be staying in, closed and untouched for months as I didn't want to face my lonliness and depression.

I remember loosing all I had to loose.

Looking back on who I was, it's hard to beleive I have so much now. And things are, quite possibly, going in the right direction once more.

I pledge this to be the last of the rearview mirror posts. From now on, it's the future, one way or another.

Goodbye Jess.

Hello Jess.

Time's up, turn your papers over and put pencils down.

2004-01-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile since I've updated, work and kids having taken out a larrge chunk of my free time. It was a hectic period of time that was well spent in my mind. The two months I had my kids felt like an eternity while they were here, but now looking back could never be long enough.

I miss their smiling faces, I miss the weird things they say, I miss the fact that I get to hold them when they're hurt or cranky, I miss laying on the couch and having them jump on me. I miss getting to chase them around the house like a monster and have to die every time they wave their straws at me and act like they're casting a spell.

It makes me realise how fragile the bonds between people are, and makes me hope for the future. I didn't want to be seperated from my kids like this, yet I cant imagine a life that I would have spent in silent subservance to my ex wife. Now that I am free and on my own I have found myself to be a much better person, and have found someone I can care about with the deepest of my soul.

And thats a Good Thing (tm).

So now I just have to focus on work, getting my life in order, and hoping this time around everything will work out right.

For even if you walk backwards really really fast you cant go back in the past, and no matter how fast you're speeding down Litchfield to get to work on time, you cant stop time, and as long as you wait and wait it's still the eighth of the month and you're not getting paid till the first of next month.

Time is relative, but apparently is a third cousin.

Dav Nekot Velon Bazrit Metfel

2003-11-26T18:43:00.000-07:00

Today was El Squadron Thanksgiving Feast.

Got to haul the kids out to hang out at the squadron. Got to see all the happy families and the kids running around and had the brief second of entertaining the thought of what it would have been like if Laura had been there. As I looked across the table and watched Trish handle the girls with more patience and care than I've ever seen out of their mother, I knew I had made the right choice.

I only have a rough feel for where this is heading, but I know that this is more right than anything I've ever done in my life, and despite my inherit fucked-up-ness the situation seems to be stable and very very rewarding.

I wish I had this from the beginning.

Even though I'm tired and worn out I see the silver lining, that my daughters are great. The woman I love is better than anything I could have ever wished for, and our future while murky is still shiney.

So fuck that noise. Petty fuck. And other random murmurings and cursings.

Devol Klinabatu

2003-11-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Another world I never knew.

I remember this place like I was born here. And yet there are so many differences that I dont recognize.

Like the blades.

Far as the eye can see, blades of every dimension and length. Sabers, polearms, katanas and scalpels. Sticking every which way from the walls and ceiling. Depending on which way you crawl you have at least three feet of space to resist the tempting urge to have your skin slowly peeled from a squirming corpse.

So that's out.

But the floor is consumed in a slow and painful flame. It's odd, each tendril of fire I watch spirals upwards in a crawl, the heat expanding off it visably towards my face as I try to keep my head low enough to not become punctured. The heat from the flame is searing, but by slowly creaping side to side I can avoid being roasted.

Sigh, this is the last time I ask the Succubis in accounting where the restrooms are.

She's right by god! She's right!

2003-11-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

From tips to raising kids to the fact that it's a better idea to get bite sized tostitos isntead of the scoops (It involves a very complicated cheese-chip ratio system) she seems to be right about everything.

It's easy to not treat someone like an idiot when they're smarter than you. It's nice to be with someone I respect.

On another note, YAAAY! I'm finally in a shop where I'm utilizing my skills as a geek. You know you're a geek when you go to pick your kids up and you look at the clock and when you see 3:14 all you can think about is pi. Laa dee daah.

Seeya!

Weekend #1 Survived, Monday #2 Barely

2003-11-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Oi, my bones are so weak.

The girls started their new daycare today, but I had to jump through many a hoop to get them in.

Adam and Trish had to watch the girls till about 1000 this morning when the babysitter got through with her appointment. So then I drive home from work (20mins one way) then drive to the base hospital.

As I'm bounced between Immunizations then pediactrics to get shot record papers signed, I find out that I forgot to print off the records that Laura had sent me, bugger. So I load up the girls, go back across the base and two gates to get the things printed out, then back two more gates to the hospital again, to take them back to Pediatric and wait forever to get seen.

Meanwhile I sent the girls alone into the ladies room to go pee, as there was only one stall I thought I was in the clear as I waited outside, but as I heard the flushing I looked up to see one of those hospital warning flashers going off outside the door. Apparently they pulled one of those 'old perople fell and broke their neck' switches. Luckily my supervisor and his daughter were walking by and she was nice enough to go in to fish them out.

So finally make it to daycare and they get to frolic and play for a few hours. Went to the park to play, watched sleeping beauty before they took a nap, and then woke up when I arrived and proceded to be terribly cranky at me for having the audacity of picking them up and taking them home.

Ohwell. Tomorrow's a holiday and I get to hang around the house again, yaaay.

Grag, blarg, and other weak expelatives

2003-11-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

I forgot how rough it was with kids, trying to get any effing sleep.

Put the kids down at nine, Dade was out like a light, Quinn stayed up till at least ten. I woke up around midnight to the sound of a TV so I wandered back in there to find them both awake and watching tv. I turned it down and told them to go to sleep, I went back to sleep. I woke up at one thirty to find out they were still awake and huddled under blankies.

Friggingraffle. So they came to sleep with me, then promptly forced me out of my own bed into the floor around four thirty. So I just kind of hazed from four thirty to five thirty when they decided to get up.

Yay.

They're lucky I love them, or I so would have been pricing exchange rates in Paraguay for these little llamas.

Whichinconsequentiallyisfairlyhighfortheworldeconomy,justsayinmanitdbeasweetdeal.

Special days.

2003-11-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I could thank you for all that you do
but screaming demons distract me.
The world goes round and round,
one day appears only once a year.

It's my first with you, and I wish I was able
to make it the best you've ever had.
But this distance between us only increases
when all I want is to hold you near.

I may not be able to give you the moon
and the stars may be further out of reach
But I promise that one day I'll at least
get a cloud for my dear.

I guess all that's important is I love you,
I guess it matters that I'm here.
But I wish I could do more for you
and promise to be here next.... blech.

Fallen and I doubt the floor is made of rubber

2003-10-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

What the hell is it about me and depression that produces so many blog posts? I mean, I try and be happy, but life just finds another way to turn around and smack me in the face.

When am I happy?

Sitting on the couch with my love, watching TV.
When I'm at work bullshitting with the guys or playing volleyball.
When my friend Adam isint working or sleeping and we get to talk.
Driving home from work.

When am I depressed?
The rest of the time.

Maybe it's just buildup until my girls show up. I know that I'll probaby be more tired and worn out when they're here (especially since I'll be on the ruddy day shift which sucks) but I hold a thin glimmer of hope that they'll be the missing peice of the puzzle.

I dont want everything I have to slip away, I dont think I could suffer that happening again. My future is so blurry, my life so undecided. And my soul so worn.

Maybe I'm forever broken.

Introspectral

2003-10-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

A foggy image becomes clearer. Though it may be better than the original, is it the same image that I perceived it to be when I found it? Is there room in my life to keep it? How does the change affect me? 'I wont change.' I tell myself. I'm the same and always will be. Inside I wish that the image never had changed, but also know that it may be for the best. But hasn't the image of myself also changed? Maybe it was a hurried dash, courtship and examinations thrown aside. True love? Or blind stumbling? I feel I cant live without the touch and the soul. But when it's a different person, will I feel the same?

Eh..

2003-10-21T23:05:00.000-07:00

For a small lady she packs a powerful punch.

Maybe I'm not the one.

Maybe I cant think about anyone but myself.

Maybe I'm the last thing she ever needs.

I dunno, I guess knowing my failings makes me feel worse, even though it shows me how I need to be.

Depression.

I know thy name.

There's a reason its blue

2003-10-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yawn, another morning before work spent watching TV and dicking around with the computer. Yay. I wonder how one could get eight hours of sleep and still be the walking dead. I'm worn out but I dont especailly remember doing anything that would wear me out. I suspect I need to exercise more, supposedly if you use alot of energy you have more, or something. Maybe I just need to take up speed. Mmmm, that'd get this house cleaned up awful damn quick yah? Treeedalatada wheeedat zobbiedoo dooawaaalaaalalala navamanga salaatavido.

That was me summoning a demon fur tango instructor from dimension Qaludia.
He's behind you, WATCH OUT!

Hehehehe, made you look. He's actually abOVE YOU!

Man, you never learn.

Scribblejab

2003-10-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

Ever say something that five minuites after you've said it you realise you were a moron? And it was too late to turn the car around and wipe it off the dry erase before someone got home?

Eh, just wondering.

Another time spent waiting
in my life spent so far wasted
and its nothing worth feeling

And I'm done, and I'm gone
thrown out and spent up
I feel tired and alone
with noting else to bring me back up

In the distance a light shines
a promise of a future
time a limitless possibility

I hope and I pray
this time is the right one
I feel warm and at home
and nothing can put me down.

Blah

My day thus far

2003-10-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

Rawk, rawk, raaaaawwwwwk!

2003-10-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

I allways wanted to be a rock star.

RAAAWK

See? I have the rawk tude.

But I've got this terrible lack of... eh... what do you call it.... talent? I think I can sing, at least, well enough to make everyone else run for cover. The only instruments I know are trumpet and keys, so I suppose I could go for a ska band. I've written a few techno songs in my day, back with .MODs were around. Pretty slick.

Dunno, been looking at taking up the Bass. Why? Because it'd be weird to see a singing bass player right? Eh, whateva. We can all have our deluded dreams.

Now I think I'll just be the guy who loves music (weird music most of the times) but has to be in the crowd, not on the stage.

But the velour pants would be sweet.

Yeees, my plans for world domination continue

2003-10-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a little person known by the alias Khandi I have comments at the bottom of each post. Yay! Hrrrrm. Now do I keep the tag board? I mean, its not like I'm getting that much traffic eh? Wheee.

So tired, don't get to see my girl very often at all this month except for the weekends when she doesn't work. Our interactions restricted to sleepy kisses and nonsense sleep speak.

I like cheese.

Here's your gun Tyger

2003-10-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

Manic hispanic panic!

2003-10-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

Weekends are slow-mo.

Saturday : Sat on my ass, watched tv, played games, balanced my check book and realised that my bank's website effed me up and I'm three hundred dollars short instead of six hundred up like I thought I was going to be.

Yoinx, dont cash that check too soon land lord!

Sunday : Sat on my ass, watched tv, playe... wait.... GOT TO GET OUT! Went to see School of Rock and lordy was my beleif that Jack Black will slowly destroy us all has been confirmed. I liked it very much, and if you didnt then pbbbth, suck it! Then off to the Ornamental store to buy soups, pocky, and soy sauce! I even got to find the right bottle from a collection of Japanese only labels, I'm smert.

I haven't eaten this good... uh.... ever! Never had someone who could cook anything but shells and cheese and endless chicken dishes. I wish I had grown up with a culinary bone in my body. Guess I'll just have to keep my chef around. Hell, I can string her along at least till march ;)

Other than that, yeah, not much. Guess I need to get it all out of my system before my twin dragons levitate back into town and require all my attention. Sweet, cant wait to be hanging out with my girls, taking them around Phoenix to see the sights and play the games. Just a minor shakeup to my schedule, but one well received and desired.

Plus, gotta show Trish what my insane genes created right?

Giant heads! Attack!

Gunz + tables = Explosive pants

2003-10-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Uh, I had a bunch of pictures of guns, then I said 'hey, I'll put them in a table so it'll look coo' then it didnt. So I cried.

FUCK YOU HTML! FUCK YOU AND DIE!

Yay.

Future Tats

2003-10-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

This shal go on my back somewheres I think. Photoshopped FillerBunny and Squee together, holding hands and sharing the luv.

And then I'm going to get my arm done up like Alita, a much longer and costly job, but one day I'd like it worked down to the wrist.

Sunshine and gum drops.

I hate my words, but I hate everyone else's more

2003-10-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Twisting down the roads of life I find that I have misplaced my map. It's only been twenty two since I started, but everything feels infinitely longer. And I think the main reason I feel so old, or at least, so worn out, is the fact that most of my life was spent without decision.

I was told when to do my chores, told when to go to school, told to marry the woman I impregnated, told to get a job, told to take a hike, told to go join the service.

Then the screaming began.

I think I screamed for a steady four months in Mississippi, stopping only for three hours of sleep and a few hours of school. Not many heard me, not many cared. And when my soul was raw from the rending, I stopped. I looked around. And I saw a place that I never envisioned myself to be.

I was supposed to go to MIT. A secret I never told my parents, that I was approved with a scholarship out of high school. I wanted to be an engineer, I wanted to do things unthought.

I wanted to be a musician, but was repressed and told to focus on what everyone else wanted.

I wanted to be President, but who would take this humble boy with a teen pregnancy and a divorce into office?

Now I scramble to make my life my own. Decisions are tough, and when I hear 'How do you want me?' I find myself asking the same question to myself.

Indecision is the hardest habit to break.

But you might notice that mark of soul on the floor behind you.

that's me turning on my heels, and changing my life.

Just don't trip on the corpses as you follow me.

Neils in the coffin

2003-09-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

Neal Stephenson and Neil Gaiman are two of my most favorite authors. If you have never picked up a book from either of them, I rabidly suggest it.

Both have very unique writing styles, and both cater to my tastes. Neal covering the geek in me with Snow Crash, Cryptonomicron, and The Diamond Age. Neil on the otherhand covers my metaphysics with the Sandman series, staring Hellblazer and The Books of Magic, and his books Neverwhere and American Gods.

I like Bruce Sterling too, but his name isin't Neol.

The shadow knows.

2003-09-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Another is a word I understand.

I wish is a phrase I recite.

I love you are words that I cant use enough.

She's completed my life, so unselfish but yet knows what she wants and where her goals lie.

She worries about my kids, about our future, about if I remembered to change my shorts.

Its simple, its complex, its amazing.

Another phrase, another phase, another gaze.

Broken lines, broken hearts, blended drinks and mended heards.

(is mended a word? I'll ask menudo)

Who knows?

Rage + 2 - Futility = Not a very interesting day

2003-09-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

The world spins.

I dont think I understand what goes on inside my mind anymore. I'm lethargic, i'm unmotivated, I'm just here.

I'd scream, but you know what that acomplishes, strange looks and people eyeing your wrists a little closer than they were the day before.

I wonder if necrophiliacs like dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Keeping an eye on my future is hard, as the now and here is much more accessable and short term will allways seem more rewarding.

I wish I didnt have to wish anymore.

I wonder what it is about my apostrophe use that causes me to not use it in dont but yet I'm and Can't seem to merrit one. Mayhaps I'm just prejudiced.

What's up with the Euro? Why did they go and turn their back on everything they had set up before? Cant we go back to gold coins and silver marks?

I want to eat a taco, I haven't eaten well for awhile, I need to get some money or something. I wonder if the AirForce frowns upon bank robberies?

Glitter Street

2003-09-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Finding myself at the end, I find that I am more confused than I thought I would be.

I thought I had all the answers, I thought I knew when Destiny would close his book and Death would come to collect me. But just like every other human, I was secure in my place and thought that no one could touch me.

It was Wednesday. Wasn't it always?

I woke up, the harsh stinging glow of the neon signs of Glitter Street burning past the blinds and three layers of trash bags I hung over the window. A single sliver of illumination prying at the corner of my eye until I finally awoke, unrefreshed and with the sharp suspicion that someone had just had a frat party in my mouth and forgot to invite me.

I stumbled my way to the small stall I laughingly called a bathroom. For two hundred a month you don't exactly get the marble tub. I twisted the wrong knob an instead of the suspected cold water from the sink, I got a face full of steam from the shower nozzle mounted just above the mirror.

I guess that's one way to wake up.

Twenty minutes later I spilt out into the artificial day of Glitter Street at midnight. Joyboys and pushers were just starting to come out and set up shop in the winding alleyways that broke out from the main thoroughfare. My desitnation was farther down, two lefts and a right, then another left, up the stairs, through the steel door, past the Korean Kitchen, through the kennels they keep their stock, and down the basement stairs into Sticks and Stones.

Where the darkness, and the end were waiting.

And a young kid who was about to learn everything about what it took to be a Fixer.

No, it's not my time yet, I'm fading... until I re....n...

Death is sweet. like tabasco. Wait, that's salty. Or is it tangy?

2003-09-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Got the archives back up and working, looking back over my old posts I realise that I just get progressively more... interesting.....

Least that's the nice word for it

In other news, the divorce went through yesterday! Yaaay! I am freee!

Mmmm, looking about at the various other bloggermonkies I wish I was more entertaining and sexy for your beefy enjoyment. Why? WHYYYY?

Mmm, probably going to be alot of writing this week, I'm working insanely long, boring, empty, meaningless shifts. Now I know how Trish feels, except we dont break our equipment every night just so we have something to do.

And with that, I bid you good.... ten minuites until I post again. I'm sure you'll be fine wihout me.

Quick like the jumping rhino!

2003-09-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Wheee! Happy birfday for me! Only 15 hours of labor for mom and out popped the biggest headed baby ever! No wonder it took so long.

I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality! according to a link that mr Jomo brought to my attention. Which, coincidentally, is the same as my girlie. Yaaay!

Mmm, soooo, uuuuh, yeah, guess I dont have much else to say, mmm, take it easy! WHEEEE!

For lack of a better title: Blech

2003-09-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I spent a night away from Trish. I went out with the guys and did the geek communal X-Boxen meeting. There was much killing and yelling and cursing to be had for the good seven hours involved. But I felt guilty somehow. I felt like I had abandoned her and left her to herself.

Trish doesn't have many 'friends', like me she only lets a small knit group in to see the real her. She used to hang out with other people too, but that involved drinking and stuff that she says she's outgrown now. But to know that she's just sitting around being bored made me enjoy myself less.

Maybe I'm just too considerate? Or maybe I just care too gawdamn much about this woman?

But once I found out she had gotten together with her friend Kate to go watch movies or something, another emotion came into play that I dont think I've ever really felt before, Jealousy. Once I found out she was 'out' I began to wonder, 'with who', 'what are they doing?', 'Is some sexy, non-brokeass chickenlover going to steal her away?'

I dont know where to keep these feelings.

Maybe in a padded cell deep in my psyche, next to the old wooden crate with my childhood.

There isin't much in the world I care about anymore, my girls, my girlfriend, some of my friends.

I dont want to lose anymore.

Why cant I be the winner?

Or, why cant I see I've won?

Dancing diamonds
Leaping lachesis
Aristotle's antithesis
Zarkon zanklae.

And again.

Real World : Nullspace

2003-09-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well, It's allmost over.

Only three more days and I'm free.

Just in legal eyes to be sure.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I somehow feel like I should be sad, but I think I got all that out the multiple times that Laura turned around and broke my heart. So now its just like a weight being lifted, though I also felt that weight gone when I made the final decision to not let her come crawling back to ruin my life again.

Now I'm with someone that I love more than I ever thought I could. Though I'm afraid. I'm insecure and constantly watching to see if she'll betray me like Laura did, even when I'm the happiest I've ever been with her. I find myself just suddenly closing off and getting moody when she does the smallest thing to annoy me, and despite my internal monolouge telling myself to snap out of it I cant help but frown. I dont remember being like this before.

I've changed so much, from being a kid to being a man who can accept responsibility and realise when he's being an ass or wrong. I think I needed someone who I could respect and honor before I could do it. I suppose dependancy is my inherint trait.

I want out of this corner I painted myself into for Laura, though without these experiences I'm sure I'd be back there being abused and fucked over again and again, I wouldn't have met the people I did, I wouldn't still hold a job for nearly two years straight, I would have never met Patricia.

I dont understand the plot or the actors, but I paid my 6.50 to watch the movie gawdamnit, so I guess I'm stuck.

Fictual Factual Fractual

2003-08-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a young boy named
Tomokaklodborangledyhoosabavlakjzatrapalarok-
owawitzabersnitzeluftinzglerbergerledodadayear-
lingonderfaustenbrauten.

He died at age seven.

The end.

Reality Bites, now I need a tetnus shot

2003-08-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

Another day, another dollar.

Or at least, another paycheck another complete siphoning of cash. I feel cheated, like someone told me I won the lotto but the taxes for it left me with five bucks.

Living life like this, its the worse life possible, dodging phone calls, having to bum off people for the necessities of food and gas, fuck, I wasn't wired for this shit. Or at least my wiring has changed over the years to make me incapable of accepting or asking for help. I know it's out there but all I want to do is pull the darkness of an everpresent lie over my eyes and just hide away. Maybe if I close my eyes noone will find me.

This is like it has allways been though, as soon as my money problems start getting taken care of my personal life suffers, when my personal life blossoms and starts going right, I get fucked over moneywise. I dont want to be rich really, all I want is to have my problems taken care of and drawn away from me so I'll never have to stave for a week eating only what I could steal, coherce, or bribe out of people.

I wish I was born into a life of crime. But how does a relatively smart kid from the suburbs get involved in organized crime once he's twenty two? I feel like any chances I had at becoming anything are allready gone. Most people know what they want at this age right? Or am I just like everyone else and self delusional?

Whine whine whine, blah blah blah.

Detroit, home of the fake

2003-08-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm going insane.

Not exactly a new situation, but these days I've been sitting in this room staring at the same corner for far longer than I had ever imagined possible. So why wont they let me leave? Oh, they have to keep me here or that'll happen again. Hehehehehe, I remember the last time that happened.

It was a sunny day. Full of clouds and rain. I wiped the sweat from my brow and stepped into the street.

Spinning about me lay the Blight, the most decayed part of Detroit. My heart and sould metaphysicaly transposed upon a small slice of the earth. You could find anything here, and everything could find you. I dont have anything left inside me but either does this land of depravity.

We're all ready for purging, least they are now. Heh, haven't told them yet. Shhh, it'll be a surprise.

Inside my coat, the twin dragonflies called SCK, which they rock and roll and spit exploding rounds of death.

If only I could move, my eyes are taped open.

Technical Disturbances

2003-08-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

What is up with this thing? Keeps saying I dont have the directories and shit. I'm confused.

Home is where the corpses are buried

2003-07-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Wheee, its good to be home.

I have two homes now, the one I grew up in and my parents still maintain, and the one that I find myself creating a new life in.

Phoenix is aptly named, for it is here I was able to die and be reborn anew from the ashes.

I spent the past week or so in the old Home though, good ole Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. And I can say that the only thing I left behind there that I truely miss is my girls. Spending a week or so with the most wonderful little four year olds on the earth who know they are the shit is too little time. I wish I could be with them constantly, but I suppose that isin't going to happen.

Complain about me not being there, say you'll never let them leave? Sanity was never the strong suit.

Swimming, fireworks, playing in the 50% humidity (something I really dont miss here in Phoenix) and laying around in my parent's camper, watching cartoons with the funniest, sweetest, and most sensitive little kids I ever had the pleasure to know.

But dispite all of this, its good to be back with the woman I love, as every day I was apart was more painful than I thought I could stand. Both of us were surprised actually, I dont think either of us was quite prepared for the shock of being truely nuts for someone has entailed. Text messages and talking on the phone are never enough when I'm apart from her.

Going to my friend's Wedding (a rather large Baptist one, my first 'real' wedding where I wasn't a particpant) was another sore reminder that people do find the right ones for them, the unlikely couple of a sarcastic sometimes asshole goofy looking oaf and a sweet and gentle 'full figured' woman who managed to find something inside each other that noone else could see. Adam kept making fun of Brandon for marriying her, but he's never found love so I let him slide.

So I spose that's (the fact that I 'm pretty damn sure I have found the one) why she's going to move in here in two months when her lease runs out at her current place. In the process I loose Brett and his son Kaleb, who are going to Iceland I beleive, and Justin who is going to get a house with Trish's current roomate Tom. Sorry Tom, I think I got the better end of the stick on that one.

So now Trish and Me and Midget makes three. The house should be exceedingly cleaner, quieter, and less insane. And will increasingly become even more of a home.

For I have lived in many a house, but a Home is where you love to be.

(Mrrrr, a long serious post...... I must be loosing my edge)

Weepy bastad

2003-06-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

Adam is one of my best friends. Next to Mark he's the person I've known the longest consistently during my little life on this planet.

I cant say I've allways been the best person to Adam. Hell, most of his early life was spent with us beating the crap out of him physically and mentally. And thats a burden I will allways feel responsible for. For Adam has stuck with me through the good times and the bad, its incredibly hard to get him really angry at you, and when you need him he's there.

Everyone deserves a good friend like him. But no one deserves the way I'm going to eat his corpse in the middle of the desert.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHH! DIE MIDGET! DIIIIIE! Mmm, pass the wasabi.

Hope ya make it back Mark.

Recollected

2003-06-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

I remember the first few nights I was with her. I was suffering from my seasonal flu, the one I somehow manage to catch every summer without exception.

It was a delusional and very endearing moment to me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit to see this woman laying next to me, skin to skin, and think that maybe I had gone home and was dreaming, because someone this beautiful, this smart and funny, this perfectly matched, could never want me.

I'm busted goods.

And I'd wake up, and she'd still be there, I'd still be sick. And yet everything was better than I'd ever experienced.

Looking back, I cant imagine how I used Love in regard to anything not feeling just like this.

Guess thats what happens when you're not taught early what love is and isint.

But its nice when you finally figgure it out.

... Who?

2003-06-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

I'm funny. At least to myself. Here goes a short description of myself by myself for myself (and the two people who read this still I suspect).

Funny
Odd
Weird
What the fuck?
Who is this guy?
Please, just, just go.
NO! HE'S CHOPPING ME!
(burble)
(sploot)
()

That sums it up.

Click here for adobe acrobat format

2003-06-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess fate works its way out. I was going to write a long and sobby post yesterday about how I hate my life, yadda yadda yadda, then blogger was fuxored and now I'm happy. Guess the computer demons are looking out for me.

I guess I'm just so heavily invested right now that my equilibrium is easily upset and I have to make sure I am of good footing before I procede. I love this woman and know that I could easily spend a long time with her, but I'm just going to have to learn how she works. Thankfully this model is more user-friendly than the last, or I would never have made it this far.

Now to contact the manufacturer and get a copy of the user manual.

One letter away from becoming Jesus

2003-06-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

In the beginning there was nothing.

Then I came to be.

And they said I was good.

The tests showed that their attempts had finally paid off in full, no more adepts, no more floating bricks, this was the one who would create a crushed fist over the millions.

I was not created for the good of humanity.

I was created to destroy it.

And when I discovered this, bad things happened....

That would explain why I'm now floating in a stasis tank somewhere in Montanna right now.

But their attempts at keeping me complacent are begging to fail as every day I wrest more and more of my conciousness from their grasp.

And they dont have a nuke plant to blame it on this time, no islands in this place, three mile or otherwise.

They'll pay for what they wanted to do.

Pay with blood.

SPLAT!

2003-06-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Things move so fast. Yet I find myself pressing on the accelerator, blind and fearless into the night. The road before me dissapears as I overdrive my headlights. And somehow I manage to make the turns instinctively as I zip through the rugged cliffs of the alien dreamscape laid before me. I dont know when I'll be back again, and I hate to go. But something is following me, something I cant escape. And this is the first time I'm at home with the concept of accepting what follows me. For what has followed invariably leads forward into what shal ever be. As the current moment is fleeting and gone before we learn to truely appreciate it. And the future is more mercurial than the element, all attempts to predict or grab hold thwarted by its everpresent qualities. I wonder if its allways been this way or if it just took the furnaces of the past to burn away the dross and allow my eyes to see clearly?

Yes, run on. Run, on. And know that the future is as true as the past. And no less difficult to understand.

Oh, and Hollywood Homicide is way funnier than the previews.

Painkillers! WHEEEE!

Short words compunded into long ones

2003-06-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like everything is shit.
Then something great happens to me and I realise that my perception was shit.
Then somethings great keep happening to me and I realise my previous life was shit.
Then some shit happens and I think 'Well here's more shit.'
But yet the new shit hasn't happened yet. Unless you count work. Thats different shit.
Shitty shitty poo poo.

Anyway, yeah. Rabblerabble.

Everything that happened before has lead up to this. If I hadn't lived my life the way I had I couldn't have developed and changed into the man I am now. If she hadn't gone through what she had she wouldn't be the perfect match for me. I wonder how this could possibly happen to someone like me. I wish that I could have found her before I started all this mess, yet I know that if I did we would be two different people and would more than likely not have fit so well together.

Mmm, yeeees.

I cant see the future, but I know how I want it to be. Now the world just has to phase itself in to what I want it to be.

Shalaka shalaka.

2003-06-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

We moved slowly and quietly through the gently swaying grasses of Degan. It was peaceful tonite. We had been winding our way through the fields of this alien world for five days now, no contact with the recon teams, no word from base.

I was beginning to wonder if we were the only ones left.

Sassman's thermoptics had stopped working three days ago, some kind of short in his power cells had drained them to where he was walking blind and totally visable to the naked eye. Apparently the SpaceCorps' engineers couldn't fathom needing a spare power supply in our suits. Go figgure.

We had a talk about it, and now Sassman was marching twenty yards behind us. Hopefully if we found any enemies, the six of us would be able to take them before he went down.

I'm glad mine still worked. We expect to have the hill cleared by tomorrow morning, this planet is like Earth but on a grand scale, hills are high as mountains, mountains higher than anything ever seen on our planet, allmost as if we've been shrunk.

Ohwell, least the Braven aren't giant sized.

2003-06-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend my girls celebrated their fourth birthday, they dont actually turn till the 9th but thats a monday. I talked to them and they were pretty excited. I wish I could be there with them as they continue to grow, but I'm condemmed to a life of summers and holidays.

I love them more than anything in the world, and every day I struggle I do it for them. Not a day passes that I wish I could be there to raise them and show them how much I care. Sometimes it may not be evident, the actions I take for my children, but to abandon them is to turn my back on the only thing in life I've done right. And thats a burden I could never bear.

I remember when I was growing up, I was, for the most part, abandoned to my own means. I dont want to be the faceless parent they never knew. I know too many friends who'se lives were twisted and skewed worse than mine was by the amazing disappearing parent.

It's a world I live in fear for not myself, but the future.

I dont want to be that man.

So I'll be something better.

2003-06-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

If I ever learned anything from her its endings should be final.

So the last vestiages of her are removed from my life.

About fuckin time.

Lies and deceit, playing one game while vocalizing another. My pity goes to him who makes the error of falling into the same trap I did.

But my life is better now, ascending a mountain whose summit I cant perceive. The world that had lain before me is washed anew like tides upon a beach of prurest sand, and all I see is promise.

But hey, thats just like the swing swing I'm used to.

DANCE MONKEYS! DANCE!

2003-06-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

Dont hypnotize me baby. Your words are like butter smeared with mayonayse on a sesame seed roll.

And I dont like it when you look at me that way.

It has the soul hunger in it and frankly I'd like to keep my warmth on the inside instead of pulled out through my nose like you did to Boesky Blue.

Dont think I didnt see the papers darlin, dont think I didnt work at the mourge.

Just dont hypnotize me honey, or we're gonna have to go round the room.

2003-06-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

In case you, the dear readers, haven't figgured it out yet, I'm the kind of guy who takes a thousand words to say something fairly simple. Looking back through my archives I wonder what the hell I was thinking most of the time I wrote this crap. I mean, really.

You'd think I was disfunctional or something.

HAH. The funny never ends.

I love my shop, my shift, my friends. I love life.

No matter how confusing or how depressing it gets, I allways manage to pull through and find something better on the other end. I wish everyone else's life was as varied as mine. I cant imagine being static for any period of time in this game called life.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee. Ok, mmmm, yeah. What do I know? (trumpet intro) As loooong, as I'm singing, there's a bell in my head and its ringing! (Ding dong!)

Ok, yeah, that about does it. I hope I didnt scare you off. Hey, come back! I looooove yoooooou! Mrrrrr, now where am I going to get squiggidlyspooch for my cassarole?

2003-06-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

Its that time again.

The robots have come back into the room and no matter how much I scream or beg they begin the usual methodology of experimentation.

Namely, shoving larger and larger objects into my ear.

Yesterday they got a Tonka dump truck in there, I mean, fucking ouch!

I dont know who controls these devious little servants but whoever it is certainly has it out for my brain. I think they're trying to widen the ear canal enough to drive a halftrack in there so they can put my cerebrum on wheels and cart it about like a Maxon mount HMG turret.

Wait... did I just say that?

God, and I thought they stopped using the drugs in the subway again..... note to self, pack respirator on next journey into UnderLondon.

Peace.

2003-06-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

Late night pre-passing out missive.

Got drug out to a concert tonite, Ridilin Kids/Zeebrahead/Anybody Killa/Kotton Mouth Kings.

Ridilin Kids : Better live than their CD. I used to not be able to stand them but after seeing them live my opinion is very much different. Good music and stage presence.

Zeebrahead : WHEEEEEEEE I likeses them muchly, very awesome stage show and provide alot of stageyness in the happy sense. Very worth seeing.

Anybody Killa : Decent rapper though he runs the ICP vein and I'm not into that very much, but its coo.

Kotton Mouth Kings : Long, really fuckin long. By this time we were sweaty as fuck as the place was like crazy fucking fucking hot, and it seemed like their set lasts forever. I guess they were ok. Just, you can only make so many songs about pot and stuff.

Anyway, my right ear hasn't recovered yet and we're all bullshitting about stuff here in my house, so I think its time to head out. Good nite and good luck to all. Mmmm, what else? Fuck, why am I still typing?

Well, new lives and new shit and shit.Shitty shitty fuck fuck.

2003-05-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, just take a moment and forget to check in on stuff and everything changes.

Cool.

Good luck Laura, I dont resent you at all, as the only reason I said you could come back was to keep you from killing yourself. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. (HAH! SUCK ON THAT!). I wish you the best of luck, and just know that I will take care of my girls, as I really do love them.

I'm stuck with a person who totally knows me, who I understand beyond beleif. We have the same interests, like the same music, she likes me for who I am, all that stuff thats SUPPOSED to happen when you're in love. Just having to work through some of our issues (yeah, like I have any). But I'm in deep now and I'm more than willing and committed to working it out.

Dirty monkeys.

Dunno If I'll be able to post much due to serious finance problems, but hopefully I'll eventually be able to get Cox, my cell phone, everything paid off soon. I dunno, I'm just hoping that someday I'll win the lotto or some cash in Vegas so I can get all this shit taken care of.

2003-05-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a kid.

Things were very weird.

I grew up in a remote suburb of a suburb, if you go there now you'll find it
quite different as there are housing editions, a school, even a strip mall
right across the street. But when I was a kid we were the only house out
there, and I had complete run of the many trees, the bubbling creek, and the
wide expanse of a few acres in physical space but existed as miles in my
mind.

Isolation tends to bring out the dreamer and imagination in all of us. That
or it turns us into psychopaths.

I like to think I took the middle road.

Staring at the rug on the bathroom floor I noticed something, it was slowly
moving. Waving in the death.

2003-05-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting there in the longest day ever and I'm wondering,

why the hell is it 110 degrees here?

Oh yeah, I've been teleported into the valley of the DAMNED!

Heh, I said damned instead of sun. Well its hot as shit here, our equipment over at the squadron keeps breaking because shit is so hot and our bosses cant seem to realise that if we covered our equipment there would be a better chance of the shit surviving the heat. But I guess thats just wacky airman logic. They cant afford 80k when we can easily just break 300k worth of equipment by overheating. Yeah, those numbers even out nicely eh?

I'm confused again, I dont really remember a time when I wasn't confused about something really. My insides allways twist about inside me when things like this happen and feel like they're going to jump through my throat and jump a truck going to Frisco. And I'm fairly sure I would be dissapointed by this as I think I need my organs.

Who knows where this life will drop me off? Because I sure dont, and its either fate or a succession of missteps that has put me in the unenviable position of the here and now. I hope it all works out. All I need is time and a bit of reorientation in my battle plan. Yeees.

Take it easy

2003-05-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Things swing like a pendilum for me.

I seem to have no end of bad days mixed with the rare shining gems of excelent experiences, so most of my life is spent on the downswing of the metronome.

I like to think of myself as fairly well adjusted to my life of fuckkery but I dont think It'll ever even out, ya know? I keep building up love and hope in my heart to only have it drained from me in a forceful manner that leaves me wishing that I never had the ability to feel at all.

The big question nowdays in my mind is what should I be doing?

Should I continue moving on to whats new?

Should I give up and go with the old?

Or should I go sideways and fuck em all?

The freshest love is allways the most fragile.

Go baby, go go.

2003-05-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Friends are good
friends are neet

some of my friends smell like feet

Going to a movie is fun
laughing at the cheese is better

When your bud has to make a run, you hope his pants aren't wetter

Yeah, oh god I'm a literary giant. Someone better sign me up now to publish a book or there's something horribly and tragically wrong with this echoing shell of a world we supposedly live in.

Ahem. Wheeee.

2003-05-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've allways needed an outlet.
Mainly because it'd be really dark if I didnt have one to plug my lights in.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm fucking hilarious.

Anyway, not alot going on but my kids are coming down over the weekend so I'm like psyched. I love those little monkies so much I cant stand it. Every time I talk to them or see them I know that no matter what the hell I did in the past, I at least made two beautiful, shining things in this world. Its just the teaching and raising of the little snarfles that proves to be the trick, especially since they're so far away from me right now and I cant really have them on my own right now. Sigh.

Well, at least its finally payday so I can put gas in the car and start eating again. I think I'll be on the Ethiopian diet for awhile though as I've noticed I lost a few pounds when I cant get my grubby hands on food. Yes, and I'll work out too. HAH. Wheeee, the hits keep on coming.

2003-05-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

Zen is relentless,
and it is calm.

It is firm enough to hold the world together,
yet it slips through my hands every time.

My glasses are fogged and scratched,
like my perception of the world.

If I could see the endless before me,
then I would be pure.

But I can only see what we all see,
but no one can say I dont try.

2003-05-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

A medium aged man
in a medium sized house
makes a medium paycheck
drives a medium sized car

He has a medium sized wife
raises a medium family
has a medium sized dick
to flap with his medium hand

But he's not all about medium.
His soul is small and coroded.
His rage is boundless.

And tonight, they will all see.
For the corpses are ripe tonite.
And the daegos will take over the land.

But not when he's done.
Its not yet time.

Where is he now?
Is he behind me?

I dont think .....

2003-05-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times I wish I wasn't alone.
I just want to scream at what I have
Thrown so far from my own home
My life threatens to drive me mad.

I'm so torn, two directions would be desireable
worthwhile these ponderings as far as I can see
To be at rest for me seems to be inpossible
But why cant they motivate a person like me?

This is the time I wish I was with her
to celebrate and to console
our future is so unsure
and also my role.

2003-05-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. All week I've been sick and worn out whilst still having to put in full shifts doing menial drag stuff around work. So yeah, thats me. No money, so hungry, eating ice cream and chips since we dont have any real food.

I'm dying slowly, my brain is falling apart. I want to be out of here.

And I dont know where I'm going. I keep living with today. I think I want to be an architect now. This computer junk is wearing me out, especially when I was hoping I'd be doing networks and I'm working on oversized Ataris. Sigh.

Well, at least I have my family and friends. I have more friends now, friends that I can rely on and not just people I can stand talking to, than ever and I look back and wonder how I managed to stay so secluded away from society growing up. Maybe it was my parents or something, who knows.

Well, one more day till the weekend, though I wish I was able to go home to see my girls. Happy mother's day. Wheee.

2003-04-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

The dreams come again.

Once more the demons rise from their slumber and move into the fields of the evernight to terrorize me. It's not an easy thing that I do, suffering through these endless lands, but its something that I must do. Behind me lies a land of beauty, with the ones that I hold dear.

If these demons are not faced then they shall ruin the land of timeless peace, yet I lay umong a field of fallen heroes. I, just a boy, unsure of what he is or who he will become, am the only one left.

And its with fear in my soul and hatred in my heart that I draw my weapon and charge into the midst of devils and demons, rendering them asunder with the ferocity of my will and the power of my faith. Faith that change is the only constant. The will to preserve my home.

And then I awaken and discover that everything has changed again.

2003-04-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

There is a place that is darker than the pitch black night I was born into. Unfortunately as of late it has been increasing in shade.

Maybe because my life had been too easy up to about two years ago. I skated through life with nary a care. Then someone upstairs or down realised that they hadn't been paying enough attention and turned my life to hell.

My body is failing me, my luck is drained and my mind is slowly slipping into the darkness from which I was spawned.

Over and over again have I suffered. And no matter how many times I apologized or tried to change my ways my suffering only increased. I'm so tired of this life yet there is no (feasable) choice but to keep trying and just soldier my way through whatever time I have left.

Doo doo do doo.

2003-04-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

How is it crisis is what brings out the writer in me? Dont know. Must be some odd twist of fate that I cant seem to do anything I want when I want it.

I cant care when I should.

I cant love when they need it.

I cant think when its on the line.

I cant write when everything relies on it.

I'm still so pissed off right now, but really what am I fighting for? The pleasure of thinking I have her back just to have her turn around and break me again? Whatever.

This is a time for me to find out who I am and what I want in life. Well, what else I want in life at least. It hurts to watch her leave and still be so happy, and it hurts to look back at the recent history and realise how stupid I was to ignore the signs set up in front of me. Whatever.

The anthem of my life. Whatever.

2003-04-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is the end of the world I once lived in.

Another revolution of the planet we laughingly call our home and everything changes as if Instead of staying firmly adhered to this Earth I was in fact flung off into space and onto another world.

A world where the woman I loved with all of my heart was going to be the woman I would be with forever changed into a world where she said once again that she didnt love me.

A world where everything was going great and the future was so bright to a place where uncertainty rules the day and next turn is more disasterous than the next.

A world that I had been fooling myself into thinking I could trust a person again into a world where everyone else was prooven right.

This is not a world I want to live in, but there are only two things keeping me in this world until I find another to go to. There used to be three. But the third has extinguished, never to be relit as it had in the past, however fickle and feeble the flame may have been.

The end to end all ends, Laura. I only hope that one day you realise how much I was willing to give up to make it work. And then I hope you feel what I feel inside right now. This time I'm not coming back. No heartfelt pleas over a mug of coffee in an IHOP. No more revalations about the lies you told yourself and to me just to make you feel like you had a life.

Find someone you love. Because you dont love me, not the way you think you do or you would never put me through this much anguish. And I will never love you again.

2002-12-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm doing this to foil Tim :

YOU WILL FALL LIKE BAD OF STALE BREAD! CRUMBLING!

No, I cant explain it... and neither do I wish to honestly.

Hope M/D made it ta Phoenix safely, heh, right when I have to split too. Though she did threaten to come assasinate me or some rubbish. Little does she know that I have wired her hotel bed to explode tonite. Hehehehe, shhhh, keep it quiet.

No story for now, I'm tired of that stinky thing though I may just put the whole thing on the page one of these days, tra la la. Seeya!

2002-12-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

Wheee. Merry christmas everyone everywhere and stuff. Something I haven't mentioned is that I've become Buddist. Its one of those things that you dont think about till a major holiday comes around and you think 'wow, things are different' but then again, are they? I think I still enjoy the holiday and what it, at it basest form, means. Though I missed all the snow and the cold chilly afternoons I still get to ponder the end of another year and what has changed.

Yeesh, I'm not with my soon to be ex anymore. I'm in the Airforce now instead of working security at a paper mill. My kids are growing up insanely quick. I've had my heart broken, healed, given away, then broken again (its in healing mode again). Its enough to make you wonder at how we allways seem to freak out about 'crisis' in our lives that at the end of the year are most of the time near forgotten.

So tomorrow I go back to work for one day, then I flee the country! Well, the state at least. I'll lug this thing with me down home so I can continue to harass my friends who MUSH and blather on more and more on this happy little blog. Man, aint technology wonderful?

You didnt think I was letting you off that easy did you?

--

It was almost two oclock and already Kamikazes was filling up. One of the many unlicensed clubs running in the Barrens, Kamikazes was supposedly ran by the local go-gang, called oddly enough, Kamikaze. It served sushi, beer, and watered down liquor. It was also the only place the Mistress would conduct business outside of Downtown Seattle.

Trent was dressed in his black and yellow racing leathers, mainly because the Mistress went easier on him when she could admire his thinly built form. Clicks was in his usual white business suit that he wore to meets, ensuring that he would stick out like a sore thumb against the black leather and excessively bizarre patterns worn by the patrons inside.

Kazes was build into an old furniture store and had kept up the various partitions for the different room styles which now served effectively to screen the patrons from each other. It also created many convenient nooks for those wishing a private conversation.

By winding through the crowd, the pair eventually arrived at their destination. Laminated with old manga pages on the surface sat the table at which the Mistress was seated, Percy standing obediently at her side. While his face was expressionless, Trent suspected by the gleam in his eye that Percy was inwardly mocking them.

But interrupting the insult that had come to the tip of his tongue, the Mistress instructed them to have a seat.

She was a beautiful woman to look at, slender form encased in a sparkling short dress which was covered by a sweeping armored greatcoat. While it was said she never carried a weapon (and youd be hard pressed to find a place to conceal one in that dress) it was also rumored that her fingernails were poisoned and she mightve had a mouth dart. Then there was Percy, but hed only really be good for a body shield.

"Nice to see you two looking so well. Since I had not heard from you I was terrified that something had happened to you!" the Mistress spoke in a faintly mocking tone. She knew very well where they were due to her contacts with the gangs and other methods.

Cutting off her next barb, Trent slung the briefcase onto the table, "Three sticks and some low level political intel. The big one scored twenty five."

With an acid sneer Percy derided the pair, "Thousand? Thats barely enough to pay for the roof the ladyship allows you to retain! If you werent so busy toying around with your.."

Leaning back contently, Trent locked eyes with the woman and replied, "Thats twenty five million you twit." which cast Percy into a fit of sputtering much to the amusement of mute and biker.

"Well well, it seems that my favorites have satisfied me," she winked at Clicks, "As I am sure they will do again. Ill process the sticks and youll get the usual ten percent. I want both of you to come to the International District townhouse at ten tonight so I can..." she chuckled huskily, "Take the rest of my commission."

Trent groaned inwardly, they had hoped that the haul off the sticks wouldve distracted her from calling on them to come to her bed. "Yes mistress, we will be there and ready for you." he replied in rote fashion as Clicks nodded faint agreement.

TBC

2002-12-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

.....

If you haven't been following my life with the rabid intensity I know you all should you may have not been able to predict the blizzard that would cancel my kid's flight down here. BGAAAAALASLSpbbbth. Yeeesh.

So now I fly from here to Tulsa on saturday, stay for a few days to see the family during christmas (and my friend Mark who is in the army and back in town on vacation as well). Which in itself is not bad.

AND HERES WHERE WE ALL DANCE!

--

The building had been condemned many years before, but as it was on the outer edge of the infamous district known as the Redmond Barrens the city demo crew wouldnt be by for quite awhile. Besides, if they waited long enough, the denizens of the blighted part of town would surely do the job for them.

Trent had lived on the second floor of the building for a year now and had managed to rig enough traps and other security measures to keep it secure and left alone. The fact that he was the occasional bedmate of the fixer who owned the local gang, known on the street as the Mistress, helped out considerably. Clicks was another of her fresh young toys that She had Trent keeping an eye on though they quickly became good friends.

She had been grooming the twelve year old hermetic to be her guard-mage before the fateful night his voice was taken. His stepfather had been hitting the chips hard and was dized up by a flawed Conan chip and for some reason sliced his throat sixteen times, totally disabling the childs voice without killing him.

Silenced so early in his career, and the kid unwilling or unable to get reconstructive surgery, he was something She felt a bit responsible for. So after having his step-father killed she made sure her boy Trent took care of him.

And yet, defying all of the mages and shaman she had consulted, he had began to cast once more. Even without his voice he continued my the oddly melodic clicking and whistling he had became known for.

Trent had grown up in the harsh gutters and alleyways of Redmond, one of the many children to an even prostitute. Beaten and abused, Trent discovered early on his fast reflexes and ingenuity, softening blows by the various drunks or chipped men in his mothers life, and working his way from behind locked doors and manacled hands when he had been punished or when those men were doing bad things to him.

By the age of twelve Trent was involved in the local gang who called themselves the Grey Street Gillettes and mostly kept busy with petty crime and rumbling. He came to Her attention when he was thirteen, having worked his way up to a lieutenant position within the small gang. His good looks smart mouth intrigued Her. She soon had appointed herself his patron and began to have him do small jobs for her.

Now, as the pair returned once again to their shared home, Clicks wandered over to the flashing telecom while Trent reactivated the security measures at the door.

The familiar green eyes and hair of Percy, another of Her boys, greeted Clicks from the screen, "Good morning boys, the Mistress wishes to see you at fourteen hundred at Kamikazes. Be sure to bring whatever your meager talents have procured in the last week." a snide smile prefaced, "And I hope its better than last time or She may be getting tired of your trifling tribute."

"Utter balls," Trent muttered as he walked across the room to the trog-sized coffee table next to the trid, "That little shit is just asking for a bullet in the skull."

Trent tossed the case on the table on the way to the small bathroom off the hallway. While more cramped than the one in the bedroom, this was the only place in the flat that produced at least marginally clear water. As he splashed the tepid water on his face and neck, Clicks was busy with the briefcase.

The lock sprung and the top thrown back, the mute elf stacked the various files and papers together, leaving those for Trent as he couldnt read anything but media glyphs. But the three credsticks tucked into the inner pocket Clicks could do something with.

He ran them through the taped together credstick verifier they had, the results coming back fairly quick for the first two. The sums stored within werent great but more than enough to please the Mistress.

The third one was taking longer though, which was rare for lifted crabsticks, when it finally finished and the stored information began to roll down the screen Clicks let a low whistle escape as his eyes widened.

Trent recognized that tone, in English it translated to 'Holy shit!'.

He walked back into the room, shagging his hair with the thin towel he regarded the gaping mage, "What? We knock over another porn king?"

Clicks spun the display around to Trent and the older kid discovered what had impressed his companion so, "Ken Taki, Ambassador to Seattle from CalFree, balance.."

Dazed, he sank to his knees next to the table, "Thirty five million nuyen... what in the hell?"

Thumbing through the visas and important documents Clicks had set aside he suddenly jumped back, a gleaming lapel pin tumbling from his hand to the floor. Trent looked at his hand as if he had been burnt.

"Way to go kid, we sure picked a winner this time," he responded to Clicks silent gaze, "We just hit a Seoulpa." He motioned towards the pin which lay without menace, glinting in the fluorescent lighting, a stylized sapphire dragon.

Another low whistle was all Clicks could manage.

TBC

2002-12-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

Awwww, aint young love so great and warm and fuzz.... blllluhg.... whew, sorry, thought I could hold it in there for a second.

Anyway, two of my better 'friends' seem to be getting along quite nicely. Wonder if they're interested in photogrophy. *winkwinknudgenudge* Go check out Synapsis then Babel over there on my right, your left. Yeah. Oh, more links on the way as I have been informed I am slacking in that department.

As for myself, my kids are showing up tomorrow and I cant wait. And dont go to roomate websites looking for a place to rent until you are READY TO RENT! I put my name in the DB and told them I wanted to move in around March or April and people are calling me and emailing me to move in yesterday. Yeesh. Well, things are allways exciting. Now a snippet of a background story I'm working on as I'm cheap and need more text to push the depressing stuff off your screen!

--

In a world consumed by crime and fear, morals and beliefs shift constantly. His story is a prime example. Like most stories it begins on a stormy night.. In Bangkok, but it was a sunny morning in

JUNE 16, 2046 - SEATTLE, UCAS

Quickly fleeing punks
A shocking discovery
Unwelcome surprise

The wind off the ocean was cool and invigorating. It was jogging weather in the early Seattle morning. Suits emerging from their corporate owned apartments and duplexes to take a jog around the block.

But not everyone was running for recreation on this splendid morning. Three of dawn's children were in fact, quite differently motivated.

Straining for breath, the middle aged Korean man in his finely tailored business suit called out "Fuckers! You're dead!"

An interesting proposition, but one unlikely to be fulfilled anytime soon as the two rapidly escaping kids were nearly out of sight as it was. The pair dodged streeter and garbage alike as they maneuvered with surety through the familiar back alleyways.

As they broke left down the next corridor the first morning rays glanced into their eyes, the early light revealing in the pair their similarities and differences.

The wildly grinning japanese punk with the black hair was the one with the black briefcase tucked up against his side. Tall and lanky even for a fifteen year old member of the species Homo Sapiens, his legs ate up the distance presented by the alleyway in an easy lope. With a casual glance over his shoulder Trent remarked, "This is just getting too easy eh Clicks?"

His companion, black skinned and with long ivory hair that was braided with various techno-shamanistic icons offered a grim smile in response while hurdling a dazed chipper. The silent response was expected due to the peculiar scars on the youngers long throat. Deep, crisscrossing scars left by one of the many deranged stepfathers in his life, stolen the gift of speech. Eventually revenged with his life.

Into the busy street the two burst, the littered tranquility of the alley thrown back to be exchanged with the caphony of the urban jungle just powering up to full steam. Sliding to a stop the two partners in crime considered each other and the street around them.

As the Korean gentleman rounded the corner in the alleyway behind them, his face flushed as he strained to catch up, the two looked back to each other, the punk asking, "Well, how about you make yourself useful Clicker, I dont feel like waiting for the crossing guard." The grinning elf says, motioning across the flowing traffic way.

With middle finger extended, the stark haired mute rapidly clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and teeth. With an inglorious sweep of his hand across himself and his partner he gave the nod and turned to run into the heavy traffic, bounding along the hoods and roofs in his way.

With a grin and a loud whoop! Trent gave chase, the screeching of tires accompanying his charge as a heavy fish truck closed in on him. Relishing the surge of adrenaline, the punk waited until the last possible second to launch himself into the air, flipping over the screeching Dynamit in his way like a rubber ball, coming to a rest on the other side of the street, laughing.

An amused but faintly exasperated look was awaiting him from Clicks who motioned behind to the street. The suddenly upturned fish truck spilling its frozen load, sending the Korean man sliding through ice and fish in a hilarious attempt to pursue.

With another laugh and a wave of the briefcase in the air to their victim, the punk turned with his companion to the flat across town which they shared. Just another early Seattle morning for Clicks and Trent.

TBC

2002-12-18T04:03:00.000-07:00

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

Yes. Exactly.

Its four o'clock in the morning and I'm wide awake. And I have to be up for work in three hours. And all I want is to sleep but my mind keeps running in circles so I dont think I'll ever get back to sleep. My world is getting more and more confusing. I wish I could just grab ahold of it and tell it to stop moving and may I please get off I'm feeling queasy.

My parents are bringing my girls down (I have twin 3.5 year olds) for christmas, thank god. I have no idea how I manage to get along without them from day to day. Every time I see someone walking around with their kid or I start to look at their pictures for too long (my fridge is plastered with them) I start to break down and cry. Its so hard to choke up everything I am and trudge along when I dont have those two nuts to entertain me every day. I feel like I'm missing so much, I dont want to be 'Dad' in the sense of that guy who sends birthday cards and never gets to see them, I want to live with them and keep them close forever.

But no one ever said my life was going to be easy neh?

2002-12-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Blah. I'm in Phoenix now. Mmmm. What else?

I'm depressed. I'm torn in too many directions, and I'm just tired.

Yet another lifetime spent chasing its tail.

2002-11-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

I was such in the mood to write a scene from a vaugely Shadowrun themed movie this morning. I had the picture all in my head any everything and had just opened up the blog editor thingie to type it in when I went to another window... and I saw... Mr. T Going for a Drive. Needless to say I was abrubtly sidetracked.

Now I'm going to have to drive around in my car so I can refocus. Nuts, the sacrifices I have to make.

And I'd like to take a moment to apologize to all the kiddies out there, assuming anyone is reading this :P I know this thing has been pretty skittish and disconjoungulated, but I'm kinda allmost prepared to make this somewhat coherent in the near future. But dont hold me too anything. I might get sexy happy love.

Yeaaah.

Musictime! MSI sucks. Yeah, thats about all the culture I have for today. Seeya!

2002-11-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

I felt true love for the first time and she left me. It wasnt her fault, she had to go. But would it have worked?

For the first time I felt I could give it all up for someone and truely be happy. I just wish I knew if she felt the same. Does she and she's just realistic enough to not show it because the long distance thing never works? Is she smart enough to just drop it and move on? Or did she not care at all? These are the questions that constantly plauge my mind, I cant get her out of my brain or my heart. Just when I think I have forgotten her I remember something she said, the way she looks with her hair down, or the faint smile she posseses that just slides between my ribs and straight into my heart. Sigh.

Well, in other nonheartbreak news, got a new car! Wheee! Its a Mitsu Lancer, black,`03, and given enough time and cash will be riced out to the extreme. Heh, and my mom was worried about me voiding the warranty with a radio swap. Bwahahahahah. Too bad my friend Chris got sent to Langley instead of Phoenix with me, he's the one who got me started on all this car modding stuff and I could use his help. I'm sure many a call will be made to him asking 'Which intake should I get?' and the like. Heh, teach him to show me endless rally vids.

I've been thinking lately about the people I left behind here in Tulsa when I got involved with Laura then went off to the military. I wonder what my old friends who I cant seem to track down are doing. I wonder about exes. I ponder tracking some of them down and apologizing for acting the way i did. Is that too stalkerish? I mean, I've allready gotten a few of their addys from the net so its not like I couldn't go up to their door, knock, and go into my spiel, but how weird would that be? I should prolly ask a female what she would think if that happened, if an ex who fucked up your life or at least hurt you emotionally showed up on the heels of a bad marrage/divorce asking for forgiveness.

I'm sure it'd be weird any way you cut it.

Well, I dont have anything going tomorrow, might as well try it out with the one that I feel the worse about, Tracy. She was a great girl when I knew her but I let my friends talk me out of her and that was a mistake. Listen to me. Am I a stalker? Or do I just take relationships way too seriously? I wonder which wires got crossed to make me like this. Blah. Hopefully Phoenix will fix me when I go out there. Whatever, rambling, seeya later folks.

2002-11-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

..... Wow....

First night at the strip club and I'm just amazed.

Now you may be saying 'First time at a strip club? What are you? Twelve?" but I've had a bit of a sheltred childhood so please forgive me naivity. Or whatever. I'm working on three pitchers of beer here so humor me.

I have never looked straight into the eyes of so many desperate souls in my life. I sat back from the stage with my friend as we talked about old times, Kat, my new station, that kinda junk. But my attention was drawn to the scantily clad women walking about the joint. Once past the first 'wow, she's allmost nekkid' stage, I started to notice the false smiles, the droll look upon their faces when they werent trying to work a lapdance out of a mark, the way they talked to each other.

And each eye I stared into seemed to ask me a question. 'Where's my baby's daddy?', 'Why did they have to put me on the streets?', 'Are you the one or are you like all the other men?'. Only one of the women I met tonite seemed to have a clear perspective of herself and it was her I received my first dance from. Whats weird is the way she was drawn back to me and the way we sat for a few moments talking about home and her job when she could have been easily pumping atleast another couple hundred from the other patrons.

Am I naive? Or did she know that I saw the spark?

God I'm a dork -- 6/3/2003

2002-11-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

Wheeee! I'm freeeee! Heh, just got out of tech school for the airforce and am heading for Phoenix here in a couple of days. So now is a time of going home to Tulsa and seeing my friends and family before I head off. My parents are talking about buying me a new car and trading my old sentra in, which would be mucho good since that thing suxors so hard. I'm looking at a blue Lancer, but get this, they dont have the Rally Sport package in standard... in fact they only had two standards on the lot and they were the stripped ES models. How funked up is that?

In my time at Biloxi I learned a few things:
1) Its much more fun to bitch about something than try to fix it.
2) Allways have a psych eval done on your future spouse
3) Dont fall in love with someone when you both are going to different places and you only have four weeks to be with the person.

Yah, that was the Kat who clawed out my heart bit. If we had more time I think great things could have happened. So now its just phone calls and 'I'll visit you in Phoenix' or 'I have to go through bumfuck Texas anyway so I'll stop in' promises. Sure. Sigh. Well i'll prolly drop some more intel here while I'm in Tulsa but wont get extremely fluid until I get set up in Arizona. Going from a swampy heat to a dry heat, rock. &-)

2002-10-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

>> Geez, as if this isint sporadic enough... I haven't done anything on the blog since July. Guess thats what happens when you're involved in school and getting your heart broken over and over and over. Wheeee. Maybe I'll tell the story of the Kat who clawed out my heart. Mmmm, nah, I'll just keep pubbing some of the weird junk I write when I'm just chillin and cant think. Sigh. Why cant I have it my way? >>

Its been so long since I’ve slept, my eyes feel like they have become orbs of pure alabaster. Sitting cold and inert in my skull. Seeing nothing as I deny all that I have become.

How long has it been? How many eons has it been since I was able to close my eyes and see something other than the world I left behind?

Can I even be considered human anymore after all that I’ve done and seen in my lifetime?

Alone I have stood on the edge of this world, staring out into the bleak universe that some twisted creator has laughingly created to spite me and the freak I have been twisted into.

As I look out all I see is the dark seething sea of despair, behind me the towering mountains of bones I had slowly accumulated after they had finally come back down and took them away.

So much destruction…. And I, the most twisted of all creations, couldn’t stop it from happening. I was powerless as their flesh was rendered into liquid, as their lungs imploded, as the innocent, the dammed, the conquerors and the defenders all alike melted away under that force of so long ago.

If only I could change it all, if I could go back, this time I’d do the right thing.

What the hell… I ‘m already immortal, invulnerable and omnipotent. Why not change time while I’m at it.

I wonder if I could stop me from happening… it was so long ago…..

2002-10-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a world where I didn’t know my place.

I was a child left to myself to decide what was right and what was wrong.

My imagination flourished as I sat in our expansive front yard, drawing in the dirt with sticks imagining I was laying out small towns, or drawing magical signs, or just making trenches for water to flow. We had a creek that ran through our property, winding through the property and with a small pool that collected in the middle of it and I altered the way the water flowed with various rocks and clumps of mud.

It was a place I played in, and a place I feared. Occasionally I’d be playing and I’d see a snake crawl up from under one of the rocks. Most of the time I ran, until the day that I had a shovel and was able to cut it in half.

As I sat there watching the snake’s upper half squirming and still trying to lash out at me, I think I felt something inside me change that I wouldn’t realize the effects of until much later in my life. It was at that point that I began to loose respect for the value of life.

As I grew up my feelings of isolation grew. I never truly excelled in school except for science and computers, but the main area I was deficient in was human interaction. I hung out with all the asshole kids at school, and began to think that intelligence was shown by how superior one was from another. I developed a stinging sense of sarcasm and a rapier wit that got me into more trouble than I’d like to remember.

While I thought I was having a good laugh at those around me, I realized now that all I was doing was further alienating myself from the world at large, treating all those who I saw as below me as nothing better than a squirming snake, bleeding its life out before me.

Why should I show respect to these people whose thoughts were so below mine? Why should I listen to the teachers who were in control of me only because they were older? Couldn’t they see that I knew more than they ever would?

Couldn’t they hear my screaming from inside?

I sought love out at any cost, a word I wouldn’t understand for a very long time. A series of weird relationships with weird people ensued

Where am I now? I know where my body is currently residing, its somewhere called Biloxi. But what does that mean to me?

I’m caught in a crossroads of choices, choices that are extremely difficult to make and yet are so pivotal to the way my life will shape up to be that I cannot ignore them or hope for them to solve themselves.

Maybe this is what life is really like. The constant struggle of decisions.

I hate living my life with should’ve bens and might’ve bens. But that’s the only way I know how to live it seems. All the choices and decisions I have made have been forced upon me or made up for me.

Hell, even my showing up here in the air force wasn’t wholly my decision, I was shoved into this by my parents and Laura. I don’t even know how to refer to her now as anything other than Laura.

That’s probably why its so hard for me to make a decision now that I have this many roads laid out before me, I don’t yet know the correct way to walk the path.

2002-07-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

I recall two raw boys in rose
crying like bitter drunks
I stare
I say
Use crushed juice on them

-- sifl

I like Monkeys
big super monkeys
even when they pinch my arm
zippity bang, orangutans
never did nobody no harm
I like monkeys
punky, funky, monkeys
When they wear bandanas...
I feel overwhelmed

-- olly

From sifl & olly, two characters from the best show ever aired on MTV, which figgures why they had to cancel it.

2002-07-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

Jeez I was fucked up, I keep finding weird poetry and stuff all over my house now that I take the time to look. I wonder if I'm worse or just changed from the mind I used to be.

Rep Revolt

Who are you to tell me who I am.
Am I who I tell you to be?
Bonded arms behind your back
Gagged and stuffed into the trunk
Rubber skin was not good enough
Made it better, made it human.
You make us better, you make us bitter
Why? Who asked you for your help?
Now, we're hunted, running away.
Killed for what we are today
Why do you destroy what you made?
Why couldnt you just leave us unmade?
Wrecked us, broke us down
Kill us, tear us down
Its time to fight back!
Rep revolution Rep revolution
Kill the humans and take their place
Sit on the thrones, their cities thrown into waste
Why? Oh why did you start this destruction
Not us, not us, we didnt start this
But we're more than happy to finish you off!

I think this is right after I read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (AKA Bladerunner) for the first time.... whew... I'm done for the night I think.

2002-07-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going through some of my old... poetry? Dunno if thats what you'd call it, figgured I might as well immortilize this crap so I can further help deconstruct the informational media known as the internet.

No truth in this world of lepers and liars
Gotta watch your back, no one else you can trust
Complex are the motives, the rules that dictate lives
Ignored are they, but still important beyond all
Lies, Sin, Corruption, Politics
Love, Truth, Compassion, Music

The funky flow, it will not stop
So give up, aint got the breath to spare
Run, Jump Duck and Crawl
Or you'll be shot down into the floor

No way to survive in the center of a firestorm
As it is in our wonderful world of metal/glass/steel
Where everyday we are raped/robbed/killed
No safety walking down the street/caught in a crossfire

Up and down the Asile
side and side
Dodging a rain of lead
No where in which to hide away

Try to run away and they'll kill ya
Try to kill yourself and they'll stop ya
Try to kill them and they'll supress ya
Refuse their power, and they'll correct ya

I dont know if each of those was supposed to be seperate poems or one long one. All I know is I scrawled it out a few years ago.
Go figgure, maybe I was depressed :P

2002-07-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, no wait, make that all the friggin time I wish I was young again.

Now dont get me wrong, I'm 20 years allmost 21, but if you were to ask me how old I felt I'd have to say about fourty.

Most people laugh when I say that, but the tedium and hardship I've had to go through makes me an old man. Why didnt I get to go to all those parties with my friends? Why didnt I get to stay up till 4 in the morning dicking around in a Wal-Mart parking lot just for the hell of it? Where were the interesting relationships and, sure, even the odd bit of spontaneous sex?

I'll tellya where, passing me by when I had kids at the age of seventeen. Now, my then girlfriend, then wife, now who knows what was sixteen when she had the twins, so she's had to go through much of the same, if not a helluva lot more so (while not abandoning her, I did pretty much the closest thing you could do to abandoning her) why am I bitching? Because I'm in a place now where 95% of the people around me are single, under 25, and all going out to have a fun time. And where am I? I'm stuck in an empty house with nothing.

I have nothing. I have a handfull of bills that really arent mine, a house full of furniture that I dont need, and some whiz bang tv and computer stuff. But I have nothing without my two girls.

There was a time when I would end that sentance with 'Laura'. But now she doesn't love me anymore and I cant stand to try and love her when she's so distant. Sometimes I think about her so much that I end up messing up in the real world. Hell, I'm so obsessive about it I wonder if there's a guy checking her out, thinking she's pretty cute and maybe he should use one of his pickup lines on her. Thats when my blood begins to boil. But every day, nearly a hundred times my heart shatters when I think, 'What if this time she said yes?'. I honestly cant live without her either. But we seem to have a huge communication problem, mainly she wants me to know what she wants, and she wants me to tell her my feelings.

Well hello Laura, I'm not a freakin mind reader. I'm an only child who grew up fairly isolated. I had what, two 'real' girlfriends before I met you? Graaaaah, I just get so fucking frustrated when I try to express myself. Even now, typing into this blogger that I dont plan on showing her, I hear myself saying words inside my head that just wont translate to words. I cant remember how many times we've had arguments or 'heart to wall's that I've carried on complete conversations in my mind with her yet the only words I can utter are 'I dont know' or 'I'm sorry'. Sometimes I really _dont_ know what I feel, because so many of the emotions she put me through were new and frightening. Even now I cant describe this pain and loss I feel except to say 'no one can understand it'. Yeah Jess, in the three or four thousand years humans have been around no one has ever felt this I'm sure.

Fucking idiot. Why cant I ever do anything right? Sigh...

2002-07-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm friggin exhausted. Last night I got to sleep at zero one thirty and had to wake up at friggin five thirty just so I could go to a doctors appointment at six thirty. All of which might sound strange to those of you in the real world but the military just loves to twist our schedules into painful little spikes of love that rip our minds and wills apart.

So my back's pretty jacked up, they sent me for x-rays and now I dont have to do situps or pushups for a week or so. Yippie. I'd rather they just fix me than push me to the side and say come back in a week but thats life.

Lately my life has been focused alot on loss and sadness. Like I mentioned before, my wife is out of love with me and has taken my kids (twin girls who just turned three) back to Oklahoma so she could be near our families (well, mostly hers, she's not very fond of my side of the family). It really hurts when I think of how empty my life is without them. Even if we got a divorce, I would still want to be around her. And the feelings I have for my daughters is so... immense that I cant even begin to try to explain it. Just imagine someone has a hook attached to your heart, and everytime you think about the thing you love that's so far away someone just gives a huge pull to it that it allmost rips out of the front of your chest.

Not very poetic but thats how its felt lately.

My friends here in the Air Force are trying to distract me, but at this point I'm hurting so much and I'm so confused I dont even know what I want to do. Maybe I'll find an answer someday. I just know I cant live without them.

2002-07-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in the Air Force. How's that working out? Well, I'm currently attending my tech school in swampy Biloxi Mississippi. Aaaand I'm on the midnight shift. Aaaaand I dont get much of a weekend... how do _you_ think its working out?

I went into this job (2E231 - Computer Switching Systems) because I thought I knew everything about it, I went through the Cisco network program academy thingie and nearly passed the whole thing, I've been dicking around with networks since I could plug two serial cords together and swap files, and I used to phreak the local phone boxes in my old neighborhood.

So far I've found out that my job is soon to be the end all be all of computer jobs in the Air Force. Not only will we be maintaining all the computer hardware and networks, we'll now be setting up the software on those computers. And doing the helpdesk crap for them. And administrating the networks. And setting up our mobile equipment in the field. And wiring up friggin phone systems everywhere. Why the hell are they rolling like twelve jobs into one? I thought we were supposed to be specialists and it sounds like we're going back to being generalist again.

Sigh, sounds like a lot of weird systems I can put on the resume but will generate naught in the way of real work since little of this stuff is applied in the real world.

If you're thinking about joining the US Military, yell at me before you talk to a recruiter. Its not too bad here but I want people to not go into this with eyes blinded like I did.

Bleh

2002-07-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Life...you're soaking in it.

The quicksand is deep around here
It is life.
A leather ashtray filled with the Queens cigars
It is life.
Dropping a thousand beanbags out of an airplane
It is Leif Garret...I mean life.
A snowcone's skeleton displayed in a hologram.
Life is it!...thus it is life.
A football stadium filled with pudding
As aiplanes lower the giant spoon.
...It is....
Robotic Sausages that can roll and beep.
IT IS LIFE!
LIFE!!
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!

-- olly

2002-07-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well, my format is going to be kinda weird for awhile till I get this whole 'me' thing worked out, so lemme lay down my temporary madness. For right now I think I'll end up posting some kind of poem/short story at least every day, then try to put something in from my life when I can. Because I know people dont care about me, just the weird shit people put up on the internet :P

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I feel perpetually screwed... I'm nearly 21 and I'm allready married, have beautiful twin girls which are three years old, and in the US Air Force because I didnt have anywhere else to go that I could support my family.

And what do I get for sacrificing the next four years of my life to live this transient existance? My wife says she's not in love with me anymore, has emptied my bank account twice, charged up my credit cards, and had to get me to bail her out of $475 of bad checks so the DA back home wouldn't throw her in jail. Now I'm no angel, I made enough mistakes during the first part of our relationship that I might deserve some of this, but sometimes it feels like someone is just plotting the end of my sanity through these trials.

And I was pretty crazy to start with....

2002-07-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Mmmm, off to a peculiar start.

I haven't done anything like this and it was mainly because of this hippie chick I know that I got started. Go there since she's cooler than I am. Until I grow up, because I'm drinking milk!

2002-07-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Nightmare of the Thimble's Dreams

Oh curious splendid thimble
My eye is to you as dew to the petal.
Protectith thy thumb from needlish pokes
Be true?
My reflection against your silver skin?
Have I had the corn betwixed my teeth this whole time?
Have I been sewing with corn stuck between my teeth the whole time?!
Gross...I am sorry poor thimble.
Sorry for the view I cast uponith mine silver thumb helmet.